The First Time We Found Out

Some days are watershed moments in our life.  We often don't realize how pivotal they are until much later when we look back and say, "Then.  It was in that moment that things changed."

April 11, 2008.  I was 17 weeks 5 days pregnant with our first and scheduled to have our "big" ultrasound done.  All I could think about was finding out if we were expecting a boy or a girl.  At the time our niece, Alexis, was almost a year old and so my mind was leaning towards girl.  I had it in my head for sure that we would have a little girl, and I could barely sleep the night before our ultrasound due to the excitement of finding out.  My mom and Jay were both with me for the appointment.

The ultrasound tech did all of the measurements and our baby looked healthy.  And then at one point, she stopped and excused herself, saying she would be right back.  At the time, I didn't think much of it to be honest.  This was, after all, my first pregnancy and I never thought we would find out anything was wrong with our unborn child.  The ultrasound tech came back in with a doctor, who introduced himself as Dr. Wheeler.  He said he was their perinatologist (high risk OB).  I found it odd that he would be coming in to look at my ultrasound but I still had no idea why exactly he was there.

I watched as the tech pointed to the screen, mumbled a few things, and Dr. Wheeler nodded and "mmm-hmm"ed along with her.  Finally he turned to me and said, "Well, Lyndsey, it looks like your baby might have clubfeet."

Thud.  What?  Um, ok.  I looked at Jay and my mom, shocked, but not really comprehending what that meant.  I knew that Jay had been born with clubfoot, but had absolutely not expected that we would ever deal with it.

"Uh, ok.  Well, my husband was born with it also," I said.

"Ahh, ok.  Yeah, well that makes sense then.  Madeline, our tech here, is really good at catching these things, so when she saw it that's why she came and got me to take a look.  I'd agree with her.  We'll have another look in a month or so and see if they still look that way, but see here" ...he pointed to the baby's legs, and then to the foot bones..."see how the baby's legs go straight, and then the feet curve directly inward? On a normal baby, the feet would go directly outwards.  That's what we're looking at here."

I could see what he was talking about, but I still really had no concept of what was going on.  All I knew was that something was wrong with our baby.  I remembered that Jay had had surgery on his foot as a baby, so I figured we were looking at a surgery and casts.  That was as far as my thought process really went.

And then Dr. Wheeler said something I will never forget.  It was something that really helped me get through the rest of my pregnancy and any time that I started feeling down about our situation.  He said, "You know, Lyns, this isn't that bad.  I know it's hard. I know you don't want to hear this news.  But I just had to tell a mom that her baby is going to be born with spina bifida. Your baby is going to be ok."

I choked back tears, pretty unsuccessfully, and thanked him.  I was so very thankful that this was the worst we were dealing with.  Oddly enough, when we would hear similar news 5 years later about our second son, the news that "this is the worst it is" didn't give me the same comfort.  Its interesting how time and experiences can change our perception of things.

And so were we expecting a boy or a girl?!?  Our baby was stubborn.  At first the tech said she wasn't able to tell, and that made me almost as upset as the clubfoot news!  That seems so silly now, but I remember being so upset about that.  The tech said that the umbilical cord was laying right between the baby's legs.  She did say that she couldn't see any boy parts, though, so even though she wasn't for sure, she would have to say girl.  I knew it!!! ;)  I just knew we were having a girl!! ;)

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Four weeks later (May 14, 2008) I had another ultrasound.  I had prayed and others had prayed that the baby's feet would look fine.  I was actually really looking forward to the ultrasound.  I was expecting to get confirmation that we were, in fact, having a little girl.  I had even gone out and bought many girl outfits, shoes, etc I think in part to distract me from thinking about the baby's feet.

Yep, I was pretty positive we were having a girl.

One of the first things the ultrasound tech asked was if we knew what we were having.  I said, "Well, not for sure.  They thought a girl last time, but they couldn't really tell."  The tech immediately said, "Oh we can see this time.  It's a boy!"  I was shocked!!! I remember exclaiming, "Oh no way!!!"  I was in no way disappointed, just truly surprised.  I was just so excited to finally know, and looking at the screen I was so head over heels in love with our little boy.  The ultrasound confirmed that the feet did in fact look like bilateral clubfoot (meaning clubfoot in both feet).  Dr. Davis, my OB, agreed that it looked that way as well.  Its funny how to someone who deals with stuff like this everyday, it wasn't a big deal to them.  Its not like that day changed the lives of that ultrasound tech or my doctor.  At my appointment with Dr. Davis after the ultrasound, he simply gave me the name of the specialist that they recommended we go and see and said they would call over and let him know we would be calling for a prenatal consultation.  At our first ultrasound, Dr. Wheeler, the high risk OB, had said that this orthopedic doctor was very, very good.  It was all so...formal.  Distant.  Very medical.  We talked for maybe 5 minutes about the whole thing and that was it.  The focus was really on the fact that overall the baby was healthy, I was healthy, and the clubfoot would be dealt with after the baby was born.


I felt very comfortable telling people about what was going on.  I often cried when I told them, but not always.  In fact, the first few times I talked about it, I really didn't know what to say because I had no idea what to expect.  I had never heard about the Ponseti method. I had no idea that our baby would not have to have surgery but instead a series of castings and then braces.  Its somewhat easy to talk about when you don't know any details.  I remember telling a friend of mine that we weren't able to tell the sex of the baby but that we would be having another ultrasound the next month.  She said, "Oh man, I didn't get to have any extra ultrasounds. I wish I could have gotten to see my baby again."  And I just said, "Well, they think the baby might have clubfeet, so they have to check that again."  I had no concept of what we were going to experience.  I wouldn't say it was easy.  It was very hard.  My heart broke that something was wrong with our child.  But I took it in stride.  It took no joy away from my pregnancy, and I didn't obsess over it.  I felt comfortable that we would deal with it just fine.  This was our first baby; we had nothing to compare it too.  The only time I remember not wanting to talk about it was when I thought people would feel sorry for us.  I didn't want sympathy, and it felt awkward when they said they felt badly for us.  I didn't feel badly at all.  It was a blissful ignorance.

3D ultrasound that proved we were actually having a baby boy!!